Gladly spent Nicole Starling

great post - thanks! makes me also think of Galatians 4 - where there are ongoing, metaphorical pains of childbirth

Michael Hutton18/10/2008 03:14 AM

But we also have to avoid the mother martyr sydnrome. 

We can so identify ourselves as mother (or father or pastor…) that we are unable to draw boundaries.  If our kids must attend every sport and educational and cultural opportunity.  If they must have their every whim, then I will be consumed serving those mini-gods.

We must never neglect our other relationships (especially the marriage) and our other interests.  Sure there are weeks where the gastro hits and no one gets any sleep.  But there are also times when you can read Tolstoy while the kids play in the park.  Listen to an opera while the baby sleeps.  Shuffle the kids’ routines so Mum and Dad can have a candlelit dinner and a canoodle.

Motherhood (Fatherhood) is a joy and a blessing, a responsibility and an effort, but it’s not the only joful responsibility in your life.

I would like to share an insight on finding joy in drudgery.  On the long weekend the wife & I packed up our 2 year old and went on our first camping trip as a family.  On the wettest and windiest night we were away Josh threw up all over himself and his bedding at 1.30am.  Off through the howling wind and torrential rain I trudged to the laundry, where the lights didn’t work.

So up to my elbows rinsing sheets, teddy bear an PJs, in the middle of the night, in a dark caravan park laundry, during a storm, dripping wet myself, I was pondering Philippians 4:4 (as you do) where Paul says “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.”  So I was thinking, how can I delight in Jesus in this situation?  Ah, by serving my wife and child that God has provided in a humble manner, and being content in this. 

So, happy with this little epiphany, I made my way back to the tent to be greeted by “While you were out he was sick again, this time on our bed”.  Righto, pass me the sheets and “once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more”.

Ian Carmichael18/10/2008 11:39 AM

Hi Nicole

Thanks for your post. Good stuff.

I don’t know if you or other readers have noticed this, but I hear it often enough to disturb me. It happens towards the end of school holidays, when preachers or leaders in church talk about how the kids have been on holidays, but then they make some remark which implies and assumes that all the parents (especially mums) will be very glad when the kids go back to school.

It always seemed strange to my wife, because she loved having the kids around in the holidays and was sorry when they went back to school.

Seems to me that saying this sort of thing in church is not really encouraging the sort of attitude you are outlining—even if at times having the kids home with you saying “I’m bored” every 15 minutes or terrorizing the dog does get a little wearying.

Ian

Thanks Nicole - great post.  I certainly identify both with the ‘eaten alive’ and the ‘blessing’ parts.  It’s such a paradox, but an everyday part of life that all at once, one of the the hardest parts of my life is also one of the best parts. 

Galatians 6:9 comes to mind “Let us not become weary of doing good”.  So does Colin Buchanan’s song “Press On, Mums”.

Thanks for this wonderful post Nic. I like the poem and your comments.  The points you make about mothers could just as easily be made about fathers.  While I suspect that only a mother could have the same sense as the mother in the poem of being ‘eaten alive’ by her children, fathers too can suffer from the same tendency to allow the struggles of life to turn themselves inward and to forget that children are a gift and a blessing.  Looking at this positively is what is hard for people in this age when we want everything in our wealthy western nation – bright attractive children, good jobs, material wealth, big houses etc. Children can far too easily become the ‘next thing’ to do in life.  The Bible’s picture of the value of children is so much richer. The Old Testament picture is of children as part of our inheritance, evidence of God’s covenant and his faithfulness to us. Proverbs 17:6 is helpful, “Children’s children are a crown to the aged”. And in Psalm 127:4 we have the reminder that “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth”. Children are part of God’s plan for his people, a demonstration of his grace and kindness towards us, a way in which he both blesses and fulfils his covenant promises. The Jewish nation was more clearly focussed on children as evidence of God’s blessing and promise.  Perhaps that was easier in an agrarian society; one in which God’s covenant to Abraham was such a fundamental part of their tradition, belief and hope.

Thanks, Nicole, for sharing honestly from your experiences as a mum.  I’m sure you’ve described the experience of many!  As Bec so aptly puts it, raising children can be one the hardest as well as one of the best parts of our lives as parents.

Having said that, Ian, I will admit to being a mother who often felt relieved when holidays were over - and then felt guilty for feeling relieved!

Having now confessed, may I share three things that really helped me to gain a godly perspective on this emotional ambivalence:

1) spending time with Christian mothers who were a little further along the track than me.  I could see that there really was life after the stage my kids were in, and that I could relax and enjoy the present;

2) learning how my personality and life circumstances had a direct bearing on my experience of motherhood.  I love my children deeply, but as a profound introvert, I need time ALONE to recharge - soldiering on when my emotional resources are exhausted helps no-one.  From the time our kids were little, my husband has worked long hours and travelled extensively, and our extended family has lived a long way away, so I have had to accept the limitations of my situation, work around them and remember not to feel guilty when I desperately need some personal space;

and 3) most importantly, understanding my role as a mum, in the context of God’s plan.  I am so thankful to God for showing me how, over twenty years, he has been using my children to help me grow to become more like the Lord Jesus.  And as I have grown in him through the good times and the difficult, so I have been enabled to trust him more and more for my children’s futures.  (I heartily recommend “Sacred Parenting” by Gary L Thomas (Zondervan, 2004) which explores this concept.)

Nicole, keep raising the hard questions - it’s good to talk them over.

Nicole Starling19/10/2008 03:23 PM

Hi everyone

Thanks for all the thoughts, balancing comments and personal anecdotes.  I especially enjoyed the camping trip story!

Nicole

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Paul is one of the Staff Editors at Matthias Media. He is married to Cathy and has three fantastic kids. He loves student ministry, reading, writing music and playing the saxophone, and is looking forward to meeting Jesus face to face.

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