One barometer is how quick we are to forgive. Andree Seu, writing for World magazine: “Forgiveness is a brutal mathematical transaction done with fully engaged faculties. It’s my pain instead of yours. I eat the debt. I absorb the misery I wanted to dish out on you, and you go scot-free. Beware the forgiveness that is tendered soon after injury; be suspicious. Real forgiveness needs a time lag, for it is wrought in private agony before it ever comes to public amnesty. All true acts of courage are thus done in secret.”

Speaking for myself, I often feel that I must extend forgiveness immediately (and vice-versa), or else I’m somehow only compounding things, short-circuiting the process. But, forgiveness is a process, and one that often takes time.

(For those interested, read the whole article here: http://www.worldmag.com/articles/12263)

The peacewise material is excellent, and so are the conferences they run on Peacemaking.  The biggest issue for people seems to be the issue of forgiveness when there is no repentance.  I suspect the divide is an outworking of our understanding of the atonement.

Nick

I meant that we should talk to them about their ongoing damaging behaviour, and call on them to repent, rather than just overlook and forgive without talking to them.

Luke 17 certainly applies if they are genuinely repenting and trying to change. In that situation, yes, show repeated grace. But that wasn’t the situation I had in mind.

Ian

Jennie.  This is the best article on forgiveness I’ve read.  I’m still reeling actually.

Thanks.

I love Jennie’s article and feel what she’s saying, but how much is forgiveness possible when there’s no repentance? In the case of someone who, in their very essence, hurts us - someone who is perhaps clueless about the extent of the damage they have done and continue to do - if this person has not repented (expressed responsibility, sorrow and a desire to change) maybe forgiveness is not something that is possible. I’m wondering if we need to look for other biblical instructions for dealing with such a situation. A few ideas: turning the other cheek, loving enemies, praying for those who persecute you, forbearance, getting rid of bitter and angry thoughts, leaving vengence to God…

Such things are not all that different to forgiveness, but they are things that are achievable from one end. If the other person hasn’t repented, a real reconciliation and restoration of the relationship that forgiveness implies can’t happen.

What do you think?

Spot on Simone.  I found “From Forgiven to Forgiving” by Jay Adams very helpful.

Jess, I think you have confused forgiveness with not becoming bitter or seeking revenge.  As Simone said, there will be times when we MUST NOT forgive, just as God does not forgive us until we repent.

Hey Jennie,

Thanks for writing such a thoughtful reflection on the realities of hurt and the dealing with such hurt.

You said -“Sometimes we might forgive or think we have, only to have the feelings of ‘un-forgiveness’ emerge in us—anger, an acute sense of injustice, outrage, fear, pain and so forth. What can we say about ourselves? Have we forgiven this person?”

I’m just wondering what exactly you think about these responses.  Do you think that forgiveness and, say, feeling pain are mutually exclusive conditions?

I guess I’m also thinking about the situation you were talking about of persistent sin, but also in the ‘single instance’ variety.

Thanks everyone for your comments.  It’s been great to watch the discussion unfold; I’m glad that it isn’t just me who struggles with this!

I appreciated Gordon directing us to Matthew 18. I always find that passage sobering and it slows me down in my anger and frustration towards others.  It’s the kind of passage that I think I always need to keep coming back to, especially when I’m thinking about forgiveness.

I was glad that Michael and Ian had some specific sources to recommend.  (And confess to really enjoying the poetry in the Seu quote… eating the debt, absorbing the misery really captures something of the demands of forgiveness). 

It has been interesting watching the unfolding discussion about the place of repentance in forgiveness and I think the issue is of such significance as to be worthy of its own post.  (I think I’ve talked my lovely husband into writing it, so watch this space!)  This isn’t an attempt to shut down the discussion – but just to say that the whole thorny issue will be raised again soon, hopefully, and give a new forum to nut out the issue at length.  Thanks Simone for raising it so eloquently and David, Jess and others for great responses – I think in a couple of short comments between you you’ve raised a lot of the issues at stake & I’ve appreciated seeing them laid out again. 

Dear Al & Jess – so glad it was useful for you.  And yes, by all means make further use of this with your friends if you’d find this helpful.

Looking forward to Mark’s post! I’m not sure if this would be helpful to think about…

Matthew 18 & the whole gospel itself leads me to believe that forgiveness is in some sense possible without repentance.

A relationship involves 2 parties. In the case of our relationship with God, we sin against God but God chooses to forgive us by sending Jesus. “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Rom 5:8). He initiated the act of forgiveness. The acceptance of that forgiveness is another issue. If we don’t accept God’s forgiveness, is His forgiveness still on offer? I’m tempted to say both yes & no. Yes - God will not retract his offer of forgiveness. No - God’s wrath is still upon us until we repent. I guess I’m still onto my previous comment about there being two kinds of ‘responsibilities’, if you like, which can lead to reconciliation.

As you can see, my thoughts are still incomplete. I’m not sure if we can translate God’s forgiveness into ours (like Jennie says in her post, our forgiveness is imperfect). Furthermore, we can’t look at God’s perfect forgiveness without understanding His perfect justice.

Happy to be corrected if I’m on the wrong track. Or this might be a whole different topic altogether.