Please hurt me, I’m not a masochist
I have an admission, and it's time to make it public: I suffer from CPA (Chronic Pain Avoidance) syndrome. I hate conflict, so I try to avoid saying things that will cause it. I don't like physical pain, so I try not to exercise too hard. My eight-year-old son gave me what he describes as a squeeze cuddle the other day, and my ribs hurt for the next 24 hours. The older I get, the more pain-averse I become.
But it's not good for me. I need my friends to hurt me.
I have been learning the lesson again in the last few weeks. I am nearing the end of another writing project, and the book is finally starting to come together. But here's the problem: by my little time-keeping program, I've invested over 150 hours in the project already. I have lived and slept and dreamed about this book on and off for nine months now. I like what it has become. I feel rather fond of it.
What I want to do is hand it out to my friends and have them write back and tell me how wonderful it is. If they really are as clever as they think they are, they will acknowledge that they haven't ever read anything this interesting or insightful on such a important topic. But what I really need is some friends who will write back and say, “This doesn't work. The logic here doesn't make sense. Your language doesn't do justice to the subject matter”.
In God's kindness, I have friends who will do what I need rather than what I want. The feedback I have received so far has been uncomfortable for me, but it will result in a much better book that will serve God's people better.
The whole process has reminded of the difficulty of creating genuine Christian community. For communities to work, they need to be genuinely gracious, compassionate, affirming and encouraging. But for them to be communities that lead us to godliness in Christ, they also need to be places where honesty reigns.
How do you make a community like that? I guess it's kind of obvious. It doesn't happen by offering your insightful criticism to others who would benefit from your wisdom, but by asking your friends to challenge you.
To put it simply, I want to be part of a community of people who learn to say, “Please hurt me. I'm not a masochist; I just need your honesty as my friend”.
Unfortunately that needs to start with me, and as a Chronic Pain Avoider, I'm not sure I've got the courage of my convictions. So let me ask you as I ask myself, when was the last time you opened yourself up to criticism, not in order to illicit a compliment, but in order to learn about your weakness and seek opportunities to grow?
It may seem a little off topic but… there is a large movement of people who no longer attend churches. They justify this by saying they get plenty of fellowship with other believers they call friends.
The problem is, they gather around themselves like-minded individuals. they simply stop contacting those they don’t like or don’t agree with rather than going through the hard work of getting along with someone who doesn’t agree with you or talking to someone you wouldn’t normall choose to socialise with.
If we only open up our lives (or our books) to those we agree with, we limit our potential for growth.
Paul, I pray that you take the criticism in your stride, and use it to become a better author and to grow you more like God. It should also improve your book too!
Hi Liz,
No, I don’t think it’s off topic at all. You are spot on. We must be willing to allow the possibility of critique, even from those who aren’t our friends.
Obviously this gets a little tricky, and there are times when we need to be able to acknowledge that our enemies are our enemies and may not speak the truth. But I think your point is really important.
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